I think back to when I was a teenager and was on a date with my first boyfriend. We stopped at a fast-food restaurant and he got out of the car and said he would be back in a minute. I thought that was his way of politely saying he needed to use the restroom. Nope! He came out with a hamburger and said, "oh, you didn't want anything, did you?" I didn't, but I should have been asked before he got out of the car and before he ordered. I remember feeling odd about the situation, but I never tossed it up to selfishness. This was my first boyfriend. I was young and inexperienced. It took a long time and many other experiences to recognize the impact on a relationship of having a very selfish partner.
I had a tendency to place blame on myself when I was with a selfish partner. Maybe I didn't speak up about my needs. Maybe I didn't know how to read my partner. Sometimes the subtle selfish quirks in a partner were charming at first. They appeared to be a strong person and knew what they wanted. In time, I learned how to recognize destructive selfishness.
Selfishness isn't just about getting what a person wants. It's a weakness and insecurity and giving of themselves makes them fear being out of control. A selfish person is afraid of losing part of themselves by giving to someone.
How to Recognize a Selfish Partner
- A selfish person likes being in control. They rarely are willing to compromise. Something as simple as what to eat can turn into a major argument if they don't get their way.
- Giving to others does not come easy to a selfish person unless they see a benefit for themselves. They do not enjoy giving. They feel it is a great sacrifice to give.
- A selfish person puts their needs first. Your needs are rarely even thought of. You will have to take care of your needs and turn to friends of family members when you need emotional support.
- The selfish person does not like hearing anything negative about themselves, even if it is helpful. They will claim you are insulting or attacking them, when you have their best interest in mind.
- Even when you aren't to blame, a selfish partner expects you to be accountable and ask forgiveness for what they should be accountable for. In their mind, you have done wrong - always.
- A selfish person becomes jealous when they aren't in the spotlight. They will not admit to the jealousy, but will find ways to cut down the person who is in the spotlight.
A healthy and intimate connection cannot be created when one partner is overly selfish. There is so much take, take, take that you eventually feel empty and alone. You give up on speaking out about your needs because you already know they will not be heard. It's like putting money in the bank and never getting even a cent on your investment.
Learn to recognize the signs of an overly selfish person early on and before you get deep into a relationship. Pay close attention on the very first date. Do they talk about themselves and don't show any interest about you? Are there very few, if any, questions asked to get to know you? Do they insist on everything being their way? Are they arrogant more so than humble?
Don't make excuses for a selfish person. The consequences will become your burden and heartache. You are starting life over after 40 and deserve a better life.