I'm sure you've heard it said that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Is that true? I don't believe the answer is black or white, maybe a shade of grey.
Once you reach middle age, your questions about being cheated on become even more important. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you can trust the next person you meet or the person you are already with. You want a happy and healthy relationship that involves mutual trust and respect.
I recently interviewed four people who choose to remain anonymous, but they were willing to allow me to tell their stories. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
Sara became very interested in the opposite sex at 13 years of age. She lost her virginity at the age of 15. Sara is now 41 and has never had a serious or long-term relationship. Occasionally, she would date the same man for maybe three months and then feel the need to move on. With the majority of the men she dated, she cheated on them. She usually had one or more men on the side.
Sara didn't feel she was cheating because she didn't feel she was ever in a committed relationship. A few of the men in her lifetime would disagree. They wanted more than just a casual fling, but Sara did not. Dating a man for three months did not indicate a relationship. She always felt the need for someone or something new and has no plans to change her behavior.
Sara has always had an independent nature and out to get what she wants. She is proud of this and it has helped her become successful in the business world. She carries this over into her personal life and gets what she wants out of a man. She makes no excuses for her choice.
Jim is a 39-year-old married male. He married at the age of 23, but reluctantly. A pregnancy occurred before the marriage vows. It wasn't that Jim didn't love his wife, but he didn't love in a way to spend a lifetime with her. He wanted to explore more of what life has to offer before settling down.
Three children later and Jim remains married. He claims he stays for the children. To escape, he cheats with a new woman about once a year. He feels invigorated and it makes his home life easier to get through.
Jim says that he respects his wife because she is the mother of his children and a good person. But, he doesn't find her exciting. He needs more.
Jim doesn't feel bad about cheating. He feels he has provided his wife and children with a good life through hard work and a good income. He treats them well and doesn't feel he is doing his wife or children wrong.
Carrie had an idea of what she wanted in a relationship early in life. She thought of marriage as something sacred and beautiful. Cheating was out of the question. Carrie married at the age of 21. Before she was married, her husband was different than those she dated before. He was older and took her on actual dates. The guys before mainly wanted one thing.
After getting married, Carrie began to see an emotionally abusive and controlling side of her husband. Little by little, she began to fear him, to fear his reaction in almost everything. She spent her day trying to do everything to please him so he would not react in a bad way. Her husband placed blame on her for everything. He even got mad when she got pregnant for the first time.
Carrie and her husband had two children. She is a great mother by most anyone's standards and did her best to be a good wife. It was never enough for her husband. Carrie had reason to believe that her husband cheated, but never found proof until many years later.
Carrie, the person who nobody would have believed could cheat, cheated on her husband. By coincidence, someone came along that she ran into repeatedly. They pursued her for about a year and one day they met in secret. He listened to her. He took interest in who she was. She felt safe in his arms. He was also married and eventually neither of them could continue their relationship. The guilt became too much and the man would not leave his wife, even though he made sure Carrie knew he loved her.
Carrie felt bad that she cheated. She often asked herself why and came to the conclusion that she felt trapped and scared around her husband and being with the other man made her feel safe, even if a moment in time. She never cheated again and stayed with her husband until they divorced years later. That's when she found out how many affairs her husband had during their marriage.
Ben is a 52-year-old man who is now single. He was married for 10 years. Ben loved his wife dearly and they had one child together. He was a devoted husband and father, but time at home was limited because of his job. Ben had to travel a lot.
Ben never cheated on any girlfriends before he was married. Cheating on his wife was the farthest thing from his mind. After about 7 years into the marriage, Ben and his wife hit a bump in the road. They were arguing a lot. His wife was complaining about him being gone so much and she was carrying the burden of everything at home. Traveling came with the territory of Ben's job and it isn't something he could help. He understood his wife's feelings, but they needed the income.
On one business trip, and during the time Ben and his wife were having trouble, Ben met a woman who took a great interest in him. She reminded him a lot of his wife and maybe that's why he cheated on his wife with her. This woman was a version of who his wife used to be. Ben spent one night with this woman and it became clear to him that he had done wrong. The thought that he cheated on his wife was overwhelming.
Ben went back home and tried his best to forget what happened. Still, the guilt took over. Ben confessed to his wife what happened and vowed not to ever cheat again. Of course, his wife was extremely upset and angry, but she said she was willing to work things out. It became a struggle and something Ben's wife just could not get over. She filed for divorce, something Ben did not want, but he wanted her to be happy.
Ben has had a few relationships since his divorce and there has never been the temptation to cheat. He learned the very hard way about consequences.
As you can see, the reasons people cheat are different and the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always true. Some people who cheat are heartless and only concerned with what they want. Some people feel it is their right to cheat if they aren't satisfied in their relationship. Some people cheat for other reasons. A cheater should be held accountable for their behavior, but understanding the underlying reasons and circumstances helps you see the human side, the side of someone who might be an otherwise good person, that makes a one-time bad choice. Does it make the choice right? No, but it gives a glimpse into why people cheat.
Once you reach middle age, your questions about being cheated on become even more important. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you can trust the next person you meet or the person you are already with. You want a happy and healthy relationship that involves mutual trust and respect.
I recently interviewed four people who choose to remain anonymous, but they were willing to allow me to tell their stories. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
Sara became very interested in the opposite sex at 13 years of age. She lost her virginity at the age of 15. Sara is now 41 and has never had a serious or long-term relationship. Occasionally, she would date the same man for maybe three months and then feel the need to move on. With the majority of the men she dated, she cheated on them. She usually had one or more men on the side.
Sara didn't feel she was cheating because she didn't feel she was ever in a committed relationship. A few of the men in her lifetime would disagree. They wanted more than just a casual fling, but Sara did not. Dating a man for three months did not indicate a relationship. She always felt the need for someone or something new and has no plans to change her behavior.
Sara has always had an independent nature and out to get what she wants. She is proud of this and it has helped her become successful in the business world. She carries this over into her personal life and gets what she wants out of a man. She makes no excuses for her choice.
Jim is a 39-year-old married male. He married at the age of 23, but reluctantly. A pregnancy occurred before the marriage vows. It wasn't that Jim didn't love his wife, but he didn't love in a way to spend a lifetime with her. He wanted to explore more of what life has to offer before settling down.
Three children later and Jim remains married. He claims he stays for the children. To escape, he cheats with a new woman about once a year. He feels invigorated and it makes his home life easier to get through.
Jim says that he respects his wife because she is the mother of his children and a good person. But, he doesn't find her exciting. He needs more.
Jim doesn't feel bad about cheating. He feels he has provided his wife and children with a good life through hard work and a good income. He treats them well and doesn't feel he is doing his wife or children wrong.
Carrie had an idea of what she wanted in a relationship early in life. She thought of marriage as something sacred and beautiful. Cheating was out of the question. Carrie married at the age of 21. Before she was married, her husband was different than those she dated before. He was older and took her on actual dates. The guys before mainly wanted one thing.
After getting married, Carrie began to see an emotionally abusive and controlling side of her husband. Little by little, she began to fear him, to fear his reaction in almost everything. She spent her day trying to do everything to please him so he would not react in a bad way. Her husband placed blame on her for everything. He even got mad when she got pregnant for the first time.
Carrie and her husband had two children. She is a great mother by most anyone's standards and did her best to be a good wife. It was never enough for her husband. Carrie had reason to believe that her husband cheated, but never found proof until many years later.
Carrie, the person who nobody would have believed could cheat, cheated on her husband. By coincidence, someone came along that she ran into repeatedly. They pursued her for about a year and one day they met in secret. He listened to her. He took interest in who she was. She felt safe in his arms. He was also married and eventually neither of them could continue their relationship. The guilt became too much and the man would not leave his wife, even though he made sure Carrie knew he loved her.
Carrie felt bad that she cheated. She often asked herself why and came to the conclusion that she felt trapped and scared around her husband and being with the other man made her feel safe, even if a moment in time. She never cheated again and stayed with her husband until they divorced years later. That's when she found out how many affairs her husband had during their marriage.
Ben is a 52-year-old man who is now single. He was married for 10 years. Ben loved his wife dearly and they had one child together. He was a devoted husband and father, but time at home was limited because of his job. Ben had to travel a lot.
Ben never cheated on any girlfriends before he was married. Cheating on his wife was the farthest thing from his mind. After about 7 years into the marriage, Ben and his wife hit a bump in the road. They were arguing a lot. His wife was complaining about him being gone so much and she was carrying the burden of everything at home. Traveling came with the territory of Ben's job and it isn't something he could help. He understood his wife's feelings, but they needed the income.
On one business trip, and during the time Ben and his wife were having trouble, Ben met a woman who took a great interest in him. She reminded him a lot of his wife and maybe that's why he cheated on his wife with her. This woman was a version of who his wife used to be. Ben spent one night with this woman and it became clear to him that he had done wrong. The thought that he cheated on his wife was overwhelming.
Ben went back home and tried his best to forget what happened. Still, the guilt took over. Ben confessed to his wife what happened and vowed not to ever cheat again. Of course, his wife was extremely upset and angry, but she said she was willing to work things out. It became a struggle and something Ben's wife just could not get over. She filed for divorce, something Ben did not want, but he wanted her to be happy.
Ben has had a few relationships since his divorce and there has never been the temptation to cheat. He learned the very hard way about consequences.
As you can see, the reasons people cheat are different and the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always true. Some people who cheat are heartless and only concerned with what they want. Some people feel it is their right to cheat if they aren't satisfied in their relationship. Some people cheat for other reasons. A cheater should be held accountable for their behavior, but understanding the underlying reasons and circumstances helps you see the human side, the side of someone who might be an otherwise good person, that makes a one-time bad choice. Does it make the choice right? No, but it gives a glimpse into why people cheat.