I had a reader write to me in desperation about a friend who needs to change their life, but isn't willing to make the changes. The reader's friend is in her late 50s and has had one abusive relationship after the other since she was around 20 years old. She has complained constantly about each man in every relationship. With each relationship she acts as if she is in shackles and chains.
The friend is now in a relationship that she says she hates and wants to get out of. The friend has been given options to get out by family and friends offering to let her stay with them. So, there really isn't an excuse not to leave when she has options. She will not be homeless. She has people that care and are willing to help her. Instead of taking the options, she keeps going back to the same man she claims to despise, the man who is verbally abusive and constantly belittles her. It comes down to choice.
There is something within this friend that draws her to the same type of man, the same type of relationship. There is something that causes her not to make changes to better herself, to better her life. Maybe she doesn't feel she deserves better. Maybe abusive relationships feel normal to her for reasons that go deep. Maybe she thrives on drama or fears having to start over in middle age. Who knows?
I've heard experts say that a person has to be ready, has to do it on their own time as far as getting out of an abusive relationship. I can understand this, but when a person has been in abusive relationships spanning over 30 years, it seems more of a matter of choice. You can offer choices to the friend, but unless she is willing to accept those choices, there isn't much you can do other than offer your continued friendship.
Some people do not have many options when they are trying to leave a relationship. They don't have family or friends willing to help them get out and get back on their feet. They struggle to find a way out, yet are more than willing to get out.
As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink". You can give a person options. You can listen to them. You can give advice, offer helpful resources and good suggestions, but ultimately they are the ones who have to make the decision for change. You cannot fix them and you cannot force them to leave.
The friend is now in a relationship that she says she hates and wants to get out of. The friend has been given options to get out by family and friends offering to let her stay with them. So, there really isn't an excuse not to leave when she has options. She will not be homeless. She has people that care and are willing to help her. Instead of taking the options, she keeps going back to the same man she claims to despise, the man who is verbally abusive and constantly belittles her. It comes down to choice.
There is something within this friend that draws her to the same type of man, the same type of relationship. There is something that causes her not to make changes to better herself, to better her life. Maybe she doesn't feel she deserves better. Maybe abusive relationships feel normal to her for reasons that go deep. Maybe she thrives on drama or fears having to start over in middle age. Who knows?
I've heard experts say that a person has to be ready, has to do it on their own time as far as getting out of an abusive relationship. I can understand this, but when a person has been in abusive relationships spanning over 30 years, it seems more of a matter of choice. You can offer choices to the friend, but unless she is willing to accept those choices, there isn't much you can do other than offer your continued friendship.
Some people do not have many options when they are trying to leave a relationship. They don't have family or friends willing to help them get out and get back on their feet. They struggle to find a way out, yet are more than willing to get out.
As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink". You can give a person options. You can listen to them. You can give advice, offer helpful resources and good suggestions, but ultimately they are the ones who have to make the decision for change. You cannot fix them and you cannot force them to leave.